Written by Sharon Mitchell
This exercise assists us in understanding that each moment is perfect, as it is.
Awareness leads to acceptance. Acceptance takes us to Surrender. Surrender brings power and peace.
When:
We’re done saying “yes” when we mean “no”.
Hurtful, disrespectful behaviour must stop.
We’re ready to say how we feel whether people want to hear it or not.
We’re willing to part ways unless we have equal rights in relationships that become one-way streets.
We are ready to let people feel awkward by reminding them that they haven’t paid you back the borrowed money instead of us feeling awkward when we didn’t do anything wrong.
We can't stand what is happening.
We’re done letting someone drive us crazy.
The pain of living without someone is less than the pain caused by living with the person.
We’ll go to court instead of allowing injustice to occur.
We want to stop doing something, but people want us to continue, or we want to start (or continue) doing something, but people don’t want us to do that.
When you feel you are becoming a doormat people take advantage of you.
Boundaries are not something we just “get.” They come from inside as honest expressions of who we are. At first setting limits is hard, but it becomes easier with practice and time. We open our mouths and say what we mean instead of saying what we think people want to hear.
Boundaries are the limits of Love.
To Set Boundaries, Say:
What we’ll do if people don’t stop treating us a particular way
What people can or can’t do to or around us – in our space
How far we’ll go for someone
How far other people can go with us
What we will and won't tolerate
“Yes,” when we mean it
“No” when that’s our answer
“Maybe” when we’re unsure
What we will or won't do if people don’t respect the boundaries we set
Boundaries come from speaking our truth.
Boundaries require:
Self-awareness,
Self-love,
Honest communication
Saying the hard stuff
Aligning with or stepping into our Power.
Limits can make or break relationships.
They are not only about how people treat us: boundaries are also about how we treat them.
Having Good Boundaries with People include:
Respecting their rights, privacy, and personal business
Asking, not expecting, assuming demanding, or insisting
Doing what we say we will, and saying when plans change
Asking if it’s a good time to talk when we call
Not arriving unannounced unless both parties agree that’s okay
Not borrowing without asking
Paying debts on time
Telling the truth
Being non-judgmental
Not confronting, accusing, or intervening without checking the facts
Not pushing our beliefs on others
Not feeling entitled to take what others have by manipulation
Calling at normal hours unless it’s a true emergency and not drama
Not talking about others behind their backs
Not assuming we know the facts unless we do
Not pestering, calling too often, or asking for inappropriate favour
When we are uncertain what someone’s boundaries are, ask.
Barriers to Setting Boundaries
Repressing old emotions. When we stop denying how we feel about something that happened, that we didn’t like or that hurt us, we’ll know how we feel if it happens again.
Not knowing our feelings. Emotional awareness is key to boundaries. We can’t set limits unless we know how we feel.
Dependency on people. If we’re not afraid of being abandoned, we won't tolerate bad treatment to keep people from leaving.
Having our boundaries violated as children. When we see our pasts clearly, inappropriate or unhealthy behaviours will no longer appear “normal”. We will trust the part of us that says this isn’t right or something’s wrong.
Abuse. Repairing the damage from abuse heals our boundaries and our hearts. We’ll know love doesn't equal being hurt, controlled, or abused. We deserve love and kindness from others and ourselves.
Not understanding limits. We need to know what our rights are in order to get them. We need to understand boundaries in order to set them.
Poor parental role model. We can stop unconsciously repeating destructive family traditions when we understand what really happened. Then we can let go of being victims when we deal with our feelings and achieve true forgiveness.
Low self-esteem. When we love and appreciate ourselves, we will give and receive respectful treatment.
Poor Communication Skills. When we can open our mouths and speak our truths freely, we will be able to tell people our limits.
Shame. If it's okay to be who we are, our limits will be okay, too.
People Pleasing. Stop pleasing others so that we can please ourselves.
Codependent caretaking. Setting boundaries means we stop taking care of others and start taking care of ourselves. Often, we can’t do both (set boundaries and take care of people’s feelings) at the same time.
As we practice Self-Care, we will let go of these barriers and our boundaries will improve.
Boundaries aren’t:
Limits we set because someone told us to
Empty, angry threats
Power plays to control someone
Limits we don’t or can’t enforce
The only Non-negotiable Boundaries are:
Don’t harm yourself
Don’t harm anyone else
Don’t let anyone harm you
Boundaries concern our behaviours. We don’t set them to control or interfere with people’s free will - unless someone is harming us. Boundaries may involve consequences. We say, “If you do this, I’ll do that.” Boundaries give people choices. They can do as they please, but we can too. Boundaries concern our behaviour - what we will or won’t do. It’s not a boundary if we can’t enforce it. The harder it is to set the boundary, the more important the boundary probably is.
The difference between boundaries and controlling is we cannot make a person stop say, ‘drinking’, but if our boundary is in place and they still continue, we can choose how we want to be around that person. Whether we choose to stop talking to them, move away from them when they are drinking too much, or completely refuse to be around them. This is when we need to enforce our boundaries.
Be Clear. If people have the room to misinterpret, they will. People tend to hear what they want to and what causes the least pain. We won’t be clear with others if we’re not clear with ourselves. Sometimes we don’t like their behaviour, but we don’t want to lose the relationship, so our boundaries are murky. We can’t have it both ways; it’s either a boundary or it’s not.
Expect people to test your boundaries. The more they stand to lose the harder they’ll push. They often won’t stop pushing until they know we mean what we say. You know when you are being tested/challenged by them and then you know you need to put that boundary in place for a reason. Stand strong in your power and gently Stay True to You.
After Setting Boundaries, plan on:
Being tested to see if you were serious, especially if previous boundaries were empty threats
Feeling “after burn” (guilty) for saying what people don’t want to hear.
We need to be creative to enforce some limits.
Some boundaries take enormous amounts of energy to enforce.
People are being persistent if they are obsessive, dependent, or spoiled.
Losing some relationships when people cannot use you anymore.
People trying to guilt you into changing your mind.
People become angry when they realise the boundary is real.
People lying or behaving desperately to get us to back down.
Some boundaries hurt us (to set) as much as they hurt the other person.
No doubt, some boundaries can hurt us as much if not more than the person who the boundary is for. Maybe that is why it’s called “tough love.”
No need to explain or justify your actions unless people ask, and you want to tell them. Excuses weaken your power. Remember: Boundaries include saying what we want, enjoy, and like, too - not only what doesn’t feel good or right. We do not have to yell to show power. The more certain we are about our limits and our right to have them, the softer we’ll speak. When we are serious, people know we mean business no matter how loudly - or softly - we talk. Sometimes if a person is being aggressive, or a salesperson is trying to exploit us, we may feel we have to loudly insist that the behaviour stop. We may call the authorities. When we need to raise our voices, we’ll be more effective if we do it in a more calm and controlled manner.
Question:
Are you willing to do what it takes to enforce a boundary? If not, you will have to start over. The person will push harder. By giving in, we teach people that if they push enough, our boundaries collapse.
Activity:
If you feel your boundary collapsing, write a letter to yourself about how it feels when you let someone do what the boundary concerns. Write the letter when the feelings are fresh. When you are tempted to give in, read the letter. It may stop you and help you to remember why you have put the boundary in place.
Recognise when it’s boundary-setting time. When you complain or feel upset, ask yourself if there is a boundary you need to set. Wait for the right time, although we sometimes need to make our opportunity. Don’t rush but don’t avoid setting a boundary either. Your ability to set boundaries will grow along with your ability to take care of yourself and know that you deserve respect.
“Saying no was almost impossible for me for thirty years. Now saying no is easy. Boundaries roll out of my mouth with such ease that people barely know a boundary has been set – yet they respect my limits. I’m doing things that I thought I could never do. Hang In There! It’s like anything you care about, it takes time, practice, trial, and error. Most of all it takes Courage. Set boundaries even when you’re scared, and when it doesn’t feel comfortable to do. Eventually setting boundaries will happen naturally for you, too!” ~ Anonymous
Referenced - Book by, Melody Beattie
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